Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Pity Pot

therapeutic hissy fit.

my husband finally made it home from a company Christmas party last night about 11 pm. Spouses and children were specifically not invited. I was in a mood. He walked in and used a trigger word that gave me an opportunity to completed lose it and scream my bloody head off. I have several issues that drive me crazy, one of them is his OCD about the computers, the network, and the security in the house. Being isolated at home sucks. He totaled my Honda Odyssey in 2003 and we have not had the money to replace it, so we share the Honda Civic. that leaves me home 90% of the time without a car and 2 miles to the nearest grocery store and a bicycle to get the kids to and from activities like piano and P.E. there are days that I get mad at the situation. I should be grateful that he does all th shopping and runs the errands, less work for me, but it is also irritating that I do not have as much freedom as most women. Home alone with the kids all day and not transportation may have been fine in 1950 when we had cities with sidewalks and buses, but today it is very isolating. Being financial broke adds stress to an already stressful situation. Adding insult to injury, (our house had three bathrooms, only one of which is working) the youngest of our clan made the mistake of using one of the broken toilets yesterday for a number TWO. this did not make me happy, and I vented all over the hubby. I have the parts to fix one of the toilets, but I just so do not want to unbolt it, scrap out the wax ring, and reset it. augh.. just gross thinking about it. No money for a plumber, I have to fix it myself. Did I mention stress?

I have two son in laws in Camp Dwyer, Helemand, Afghanistan, and it toasted the budget sending them boxes last month, but I managed to get two more boxes out today for them. granola bars, pop tarts, deodorant. however, SIL #2 called and he had been shot at last week, close enough to hear the 'zing' next to his ear, and several holes in his Cougar. I think those people are just rude to be shooting at him. My family means the world to me, I would probably create reasons to worry about them if I didn't already have legitimate reasons. This is the second deployment, the first one was to Iraq, and it was so hard on the wives, they moved back home after 90 days, it was very hard on grandson #1. I should be thrilled about the newest grandbaby, she is precious, but helping her mom finished up her semester in college is a strain, staying up all night a couple times a week to edit term papers, to explain algebra takes it's toll on my system. It was me that pushed for her to go to college and get an education, so I take responsibility that she is not prepared for college level courses due to a horribly crappy public education that she got. I shake my head when I think about how little education she really got here. That they graduated her is a shock and a shame. But it is never too late, so she will get the best I can give, and thank goodness for Skype.

The economy has wiped out my home photography business, but today I bought Christmas gifts for my other out of state children / grand children with great trepidation. Suffice to say I spent as much on shipping as I did on gifts, It was money we do not have, and I will pay for it dearly when my husband finds out that I spent $100 on 4 kids and 4 grand kids and $71 on shipping. But I felt that they each needed a gift of some sort and a stocking, even a modest one for the holiday. Due to said hissy fit, I had possession of the car today, I also frivolously went to the store and got baking supplies, tomorrows project will be nutter butter reindeer, rice crispy treats, and popcorn balls, peanut butter cookies, and gingerbread cookies. I call it science class, we will bake and the kids will learn to measure. and I will not nag them about OLS.. I will simply sign off on whatever where ever and just relax. I will remind myself that there is no OLS police and No one will really know that we really did not do simple fractions. Hectic is possibly not my complaint, it is more unproductive.

We blew through 9 hours today and we completed one math, one spelling, and one P.E. lesson. and even that was nominal, we just passed the quiz on OLS and counted it as good and done. the math assessment was a 50% so that is not a good thing, pretty sure we are not hitting that point, where the school left off and now we have to start learning new stuff. I was afraid this day would come and I would have to put up or shut up. As for friends. I do feel totally isolated in this world. the home school parents nearby do not understand why I would torture myself with such a restrictive load. I know my own limitations, without them, I would be worse at goofing off than my kids. I am drowning in the accountability, but without some measure of it, I would totally fail. I just need a better way to manage the accountability.

I wish OLS had a search feature. If I am working on Egyptian History, can I do a search and it pull up the lessons that address that so that I can mark them done instead of hunting them down and getting so exhausted that I am resentful at the tool. the public schools are so hell bent against the home school kids, they refuse to let them participate in any extra curricular activities like Chess Club, sports and such. It creates a complete isolation of public school and home school kids in the same neighborhood. You would think they would want to foster some relationship, think about it, we are probably really good at math and spelling and chess and would benefit them on a divisional level. But no, we are the leapers and are not welcome in the building to even use the library, one that I might add, my $2500 a year in property taxes paid for. tthhbbb But no, I can not chit chat with anyone about my aches, pains, educational woes, or the like. so I feel sad and blue and am sitting on my pitty pot plotting how to keep them home schooled, keep from losing my mind, and worry about putting in an application to get a REAL job since my husband swears that we can not afford this lifestyle anymore with my constantly baby'ing my 5 + 2 kids and the two little grands.. and the strays that I pick up. (currently the strays include the BFF of my daughter who's hubby is not deployed, but not at home, leaving her with two kids, attempting to enroll with CAVA, and a minimal support system. It does help to just type it all out here over a virtual cup of coffee.. which I did splurge on and got a whole pound of coffee that I like for me today (he buys some horrible gut rot stuff that is nearly burnt it is so heavy roasted) I had 1/2 a pot to myself this afternoon, it was $5.99 and it was helpful for me.

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